I have never considered myself an anxious person. Never have I struggled with panic attacks or been unable to push through the day because of my worries. If you had asked me about my approach to life, I would have said: "I'm a flexible planner and believe everything will work out." Life is as hard as I make it--so I'll let things roll off my back and I will move on and have faith, and have hope, and have a future.
With Red's and my move to NC and leap of faith into the world of coaching, I feel more and more exposed.
My fear has been found out---and not only that, it has been growing for my whole life. It is a monster.
Though I am not debilitated with attacks or physical responses---my mind races with my deficiencies, doubts, and debates: Should we have moved here? Was this the right decision? Will anyone hire me? There is no way that is a good fit. I'll never find my niche here. I'll probably mess up anyways.
You can imagine how the narration continues.
It is incredible to me that despite the Lord's provision in ALL things, I find ways to cling to my fear instead of the cross.
I revisited my journal entries from the past 7 months and read through my prayers of praise and pleadings for faith. "Father allow me to abound in you! Grow my faith and dependency on you so that only You receive glory." Prayers punctuated with the desire to know His plan for us and to be in His will.
For 7 months my prayers have not changed.
As I read through my notebook I began to recognize the pattern of fear lurking beneath the surface:
"Father tell me your will! (but not really, because I'm not sure I can handle it); Father, give me faith! (but not really, because I want to work out my life according to my own plan, not yours); Father, what are you calling me to do? (please, don't answer--I don't want to obey you.)
Fear of depending on the Lord. A fear to hope in His goodness. A fear to jump in the pool.
A favorite professor of mine from graduate school would regularly work through things with me and would use the analogy of a pool. My arena is huge---my boundaries are far reaching---but when it comes to jumping into the pool in the center---I freak out.
I want to dip a toe and then explain to you how I'm swimming with out being submerged.
Christ does not call me to simply dip my toe into His will. He calls me to jump with abandon.
Hey Laura, do a cannonball...a cartwheel off the diving board...even a belly flop.
I am convinced that I am not called to live a life of fear. Fear of failure, fear of the past, fear of opinions, fear of mistakes, fear of hurt, fear of exposure, fear of faith, fear of hope, fear of God's will.
Scripture is clear:
"Because those who are led by the Spirit of God are Sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Sonship. And by Him we cry Abba Father!" Romans 8: 14-15
"...Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so your faith --of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor, when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7
I do not have to live under fear because I am a daughter of Christ. I do not have to wonder about my trials because they are here to prove my faith in the Lord and to bring glory to Christ.
So, I'm wondering if our move to NC was a major nudge from the Lord for me to finally jump into the pool...
Though I'd rather do a swan dive--I'm pretty sure it's going to be a belly flop---painful, screaming--but hey, that water sure is going to feel cool and refreshing.
With Red's and my move to NC and leap of faith into the world of coaching, I feel more and more exposed.
My fear has been found out---and not only that, it has been growing for my whole life. It is a monster.
Though I am not debilitated with attacks or physical responses---my mind races with my deficiencies, doubts, and debates: Should we have moved here? Was this the right decision? Will anyone hire me? There is no way that is a good fit. I'll never find my niche here. I'll probably mess up anyways.
You can imagine how the narration continues.
It is incredible to me that despite the Lord's provision in ALL things, I find ways to cling to my fear instead of the cross.
I revisited my journal entries from the past 7 months and read through my prayers of praise and pleadings for faith. "Father allow me to abound in you! Grow my faith and dependency on you so that only You receive glory." Prayers punctuated with the desire to know His plan for us and to be in His will.
For 7 months my prayers have not changed.
As I read through my notebook I began to recognize the pattern of fear lurking beneath the surface:
"Father tell me your will! (but not really, because I'm not sure I can handle it); Father, give me faith! (but not really, because I want to work out my life according to my own plan, not yours); Father, what are you calling me to do? (please, don't answer--I don't want to obey you.)
Fear of depending on the Lord. A fear to hope in His goodness. A fear to jump in the pool.
A favorite professor of mine from graduate school would regularly work through things with me and would use the analogy of a pool. My arena is huge---my boundaries are far reaching---but when it comes to jumping into the pool in the center---I freak out.
I want to dip a toe and then explain to you how I'm swimming with out being submerged.
Christ does not call me to simply dip my toe into His will. He calls me to jump with abandon.
Hey Laura, do a cannonball...a cartwheel off the diving board...even a belly flop.
I am convinced that I am not called to live a life of fear. Fear of failure, fear of the past, fear of opinions, fear of mistakes, fear of hurt, fear of exposure, fear of faith, fear of hope, fear of God's will.
Scripture is clear:
"Because those who are led by the Spirit of God are Sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Sonship. And by Him we cry Abba Father!" Romans 8: 14-15
"...Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so your faith --of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor, when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7
I do not have to live under fear because I am a daughter of Christ. I do not have to wonder about my trials because they are here to prove my faith in the Lord and to bring glory to Christ.
So, I'm wondering if our move to NC was a major nudge from the Lord for me to finally jump into the pool...
Though I'd rather do a swan dive--I'm pretty sure it's going to be a belly flop---painful, screaming--but hey, that water sure is going to feel cool and refreshing.
