Hummingbirds and other creatures of the earth

Living in the country has its perks.

I love the fact that I can spontaneously waste time by staring out my picture window, glazed eyes shining, mind filled with the complexities of being a duck.

A tame duck, at that.

You could pet our ducks if you wanted to. They are that tame. Because they are basically pets. (Not ours, our landlord's)... They have a hut. They walk in a straight line everywhere...But I digress.

I love the fact that I can be busy wrestling the garbage bag out of the trashcan, sweat glistening on my brow, biceps getting a workout, foot awkwardly trying to hold the container down while I heave-ho, and all of a sudden I glance out the window to see a charming flitting hummingbird peering through the window taking in my battle with waste.

(In that mili-second I realized that hummingbirds have a way of piercing the soul and seeing who you really are. This realization has perpetuated an innate desire in me to have a hummingbird feeder so I can regularly be seen for real. Maybe then my ability to talk to the animals will come to fruition and not be a figment of my imagination.)

I also love the fact that I can take any of my work or pleasure outside and do it by a pond (a green pond, but that is beside the point). I have been trying to be "productive" while simultaneously enjoying all that is around me. I regularly take Red's camping chair (his reclines--) and nestle it in our sometimes tallish grass and pretend like I'm French and incredibly genius. (Because these things are necessary in life?)

I've had a lot more time on my hands to be enjoying the outdoors. Red started up football camp this week--so our times together will forevermore be short and few. (Ok, not forevermore--but definitely most of the time...)

It's been fun returning to my bachelorette days--but challenging as well---what does one do when one has 12 hours straight of not interacting with another human being?

I'll tell you:

Nap, read, look for work, plan meals, eat snacks instead, and work-out.

This doesn't sound too bad--but human interaction is welcomed. Perhaps this is why I have taken to the animals.

What do you do when tons of alone-time is suddenly upon you?

A Slave to Fear

I have never considered myself an anxious person. Never have I struggled with panic attacks or been unable to push through the day because of my worries. If you had asked me about my approach to life, I would have said: "I'm a flexible planner and believe everything will work out." Life is as hard as I make it--so I'll let things roll off my back and I will move on and have faith, and have hope, and have a future.

With Red's and my move to NC and leap of faith into the world of coaching, I feel more and more exposed.

My fear has been found out---and not only that, it has been growing for my whole life. It is a monster.

Though I am not debilitated with attacks or physical responses---my mind races with my deficiencies, doubts, and debates: Should we have moved here? Was this the right decision? Will anyone hire me? There is no way that is a good fit. I'll never find my niche here. I'll probably mess up anyways.

You can imagine how the narration continues.

It is incredible to me that despite the Lord's provision in ALL things, I find ways to cling to my fear instead of the cross.

I revisited my journal entries from the past 7 months and read through my prayers of praise and pleadings for faith. "Father allow me to abound in you! Grow my faith and dependency on you so that only You receive glory." Prayers punctuated with the desire to know His plan for us and to be in His will.

For 7 months my prayers have not changed.

As I read through my notebook I began to recognize the pattern of fear lurking beneath the surface:

"Father tell me your will! (but not really, because I'm not sure I can handle it); Father, give me faith! (but not really, because I want to work out my life according to my own plan, not yours); Father, what are you calling me to do? (please, don't answer--I don't want to obey you.)

Fear of depending on the Lord. A fear to hope in His goodness. A fear to jump in the pool.

A favorite professor of mine from graduate school would regularly work through things with me and would use the analogy of a pool. My arena is huge---my boundaries are far reaching---but when it comes to jumping into the pool in the center---I freak out.

I want to dip a toe and then explain to you how I'm swimming with out being submerged.

Christ does not call me to simply dip my toe into His will. He calls me to jump with abandon.

Hey Laura, do a cannonball...a cartwheel off the diving board...even a belly flop.

I am convinced that I am not called to live a life of fear. Fear of failure, fear of the past, fear of opinions, fear of mistakes, fear of hurt, fear of exposure, fear of faith, fear of hope, fear of God's will.

Scripture is clear:

"Because those who are led by the Spirit of God are Sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Sonship. And by Him we cry Abba Father!" Romans 8: 14-15

"...Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so your faith --of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor, when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

I do not have to live under fear because I am a daughter of Christ. I do not have to wonder about my trials because they are here to prove my faith in the Lord and to bring glory to Christ.

So, I'm wondering if our move to NC was a major nudge from the Lord for me to finally jump into the pool...

Though I'd rather do a swan dive--I'm pretty sure it's going to be a belly flop---painful, screaming--but hey, that water sure is going to feel cool and refreshing.

Happy New Year!! (26 days late!)

It is a gray Sunday afternoon and I have been curled up in our cozy leather chair devouring East of Eden by Steinbeck. My mind has been wandering the valley of Salinas, slipping through the retelling of Genesis as if it is all I ought to be thinking of, for forever. I have been consumed.

With the onset (27 days in is still consider "the onset", correct?) of the new year, I typically sit in a cocoon of self-reflection. I evaluate life, self, past, present, future and pray a lot. This typically produces an outpouring of questions--or conversations focused on the New Year and what it brings.

I begun early this year (or last year, if you will)---asking my friends over Christmas what their New Year's resolutions were. This foray was initiated out of curiosity--an interesting way to catapult conversation forward and glean a little taste of each other's heart.

I had jumped into these conversations with out my own question answered---what would be my resolution this year?

Now, I am of the mind that resolutions are not just for the start of each year. (I'm sure you've heard that before)...But honestly! It's true. If we were limited to goals being set only at the beginning of each year we would hold a  ridiculously small perspective and be disappointed... defined by our chaotic holidays and gluttonous meals.

Instead, resolutions should be fluid---or perhaps, gelatinous. Firm--but flexible...ready to morph if needed.

Hence, the process behind my resolutions has been long-winded and arduous. They've shifted shape too many times to count. But seeing that they are about to be published on the internet, I believe I have finally reached my final list.

Yes, list. It takes more than one improvement to help me.

Here are my hopes and goals for this year:

1. To memorize more Scripture.
2. To be better at "playing".
3. To learn something new (and learn it well)
4. To write in cursive.

To memorize more Scripture is to guide my heart and to help me love others through the Gospel, more powerfully.

To be better at playing means for me to be better at playing around--joking--being comfortable in non-serious circumstances. I have found that the people who leave the most lasting positive impression on me are those who are good at playing, as well as, working. I want to grow in that.

To learn something new could be taking a few different shapes: 1) Red and I are learning Spanish via Rosetta Stone (Thanks Vane!!) 2) I am desperate to learn how to play the banjo and there is a folk music school close by that could make that a reality. 3) I want to take a class about indesign and/or web design.

To write in cursive just seems like a good idea. I admire nice penmanship. It makes me feel like a lady....and it is quicker, once you're good at it.

So, boom.

That's the list. 26 days behind schedule.

It has been a wonderful New Year. Red and I have changed life direction, visited dear friends in Nashville, eaten our weight in homemade corn bread, returned to the world of Downtown Abbey, and have been soaking up the blustery cold of the Mid-west.

(I may or may not have almost busted it walking down our icy front steps this morning as we headed to Sump for brunch... no worries, I have neither broken bone nor bruise to report.)

Though I'm sure you have already created your list of things to do for this year--I encourage you to continue considering where you are and where you want to be---there seems to always be room for change, no matter the space available.

Happy New Year!

Fall is Here-- I hope.

The weather here in the Lou has been all over the place...

Source: google.com via Serena on Pinterest

Literally 100 degrees 2 days ago. But today it was in the mid- 70's!

Ok--and though that doesn't seem that exciting---it is when you are outside basically all morning and it is barely even 70 as you wallow around during Labor day.

How sweet!

To celebrate this wondrous weather--and to take advantage of life happening around me--- I went on a 8 mile hike with some gals...and took it all in.

I would love to say that we saw a tree like the above picture.

We didn't.


But, there were a few trees with some turning leaves--

This lovely cool weather hypnotized my heart--and has thus led me to the decision that it is officially time to wear boots and sweaters; go to football games; wear lots of plaid; and find taste-buds that enjoy eating squash.

Let us each go our own way and wish Fall nearer--yay.

Measuring Time

As I was listening to NPR today---running around to Costco and the like--- there was an interesting discussion being held about time.

The question asked was, "What is your significant measure of time?"

Picture taken by ToniVC

This question struck me as I realized that I had not considered my own measure of time.

As many callers and e-mails came in, it was soon evident that we each measure time in a personal way. One woman called in and described how her love-bird woke her up each morning instead of an alarm (PS. It woke her up by snuggling with her...no questions there...)...and another woman called in emphasizing how much faster time flies by as she gets older.

These musings on the personal significance of time made me stop and consider---how do I approach time?

I am blessed to not regularly be forced to wake with an alarm---and I do not have a pet who wakes me up. I also am no longer in school or work a 9 to 5 job. I do not live on a farm or in a place where I must get up as the sun rises (or earlier) and go to bed when it sets. We do not go home for holidays because of Red's work--and well, that does take away from their significance...and I'm at a point in life where I am neither dreading or looking forward to my next birthday.

Hmmm--as I stop to consider my relationship with time...I realize a few things.

1. I would love to measure time with the sun. ( a) Using a sundial would be super cool (b) I would love to rise with the sun and sleep with the sun.

2. I still function on a school schedule (ie. the New Year...January 1st...does not signify the start of an actual new year. My new year is in the Fall aka. after Labor Day when many people return to school...also, it does not end until the beginning of Summer...which means I have about 3 months of non-time....interesting...

3. Red's job significantly impacts my year---and so when we have time off from January to March that is our vacation time---a time of year that every one else is working... This makes the first "half" of the year (September to December) much more significant....

What are your thoughts on your relationship with time? Have you changed how you measure it as you've gotten older? Is there a particular reason you measure it the way you do?

If you would like to listen to this broadcast from NPR or read a summary, click here. The broadcast will be available after 6pm EST.